I'm 22. I know I'm ridiculous for thinking about how old-looking I've gotten. But I'm looking back at old pictures in my freshman year of college, and I think, "Where has all the time gone? How did we grow up so fast? Is it all going to keep racing forward?"
I was reading over my old posts, angsting about school, this stupid boy, thinking about how I'd always be stuck in the same place, and trying to coach myself out of it. It all feels so...empty. All this worrying, for what? All this time wasted to be where I am now? I see then and the "hard" decisions I was trying to make, and it just feels so easy to say, "You should've done this" and it's so tempting to slap my past self in the face and scream, "He didn't care, they didn't care, you didn't care--shape up!"
How many times, at how many stops, will I look back on my life and feel disgusted with myself?
Sometimes I forget all of your history. I forget that, unlike me, you have higher priorities, more complicated problems. That you have a past longer than mine, that even though I've traveled more countries than you have, you've experienced more. That you've had at least 10 jobs whereas I've only really had three. That you are responsible for more than yourself.
And when I take that step out of our relationship, I get scared. We fit in all of our small ways--we like the same shows, we have the same kind of humor, we value the same things, we love the other's cooking, we communicate well, you love the feel of my hands sifting in your hair, and I love your warm palms on my knees. But it becomes clearer that I am not what you are looking for.
I want to be happy with you. I am happy with you. But I am waiting by the side, observing and placing bets on how much longer we will go on before we get to the inevitable end.